Friday, September 28, 2012

Runaway Brain- Chaotic Momentum Post August 10, 2010


August 10, 2010

I refuse to answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone.

I do this for three reasons really;

1. I absolutely believe that whoever is there is not worth my time. How arrogant of me, I know, but how necessary is a census?

2. Typically, I'm half naked when home alone. Chasing after two hyperactive kids works up a sweat!

3. I have watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds, Law and Order and CSI. These television dramas have accurately proven that if you open your door to someone you do not know, you're likely to be killed, or worse. I'm sure I could have learned the same lesson from watching the news, which would be a little more beneficial to my intelligence- but the news and I? We're not friends. Not since Rob's left for his tour of Afghanistan anyway... I like to focus my evening dose of violence on the fictional horrors occurring within this continent, NOT the middle east.

So, our door? It stays locked.

And if you're the person on the other side, ringing our doorbell incessantly? This is what you can expect:

DING DONG!

WOOF WOOF WOOF! ARF ARF! WOOF WOOF WOOF!

MOMMA! SOME BUDDY AT DA DOOR! COME, COME! MOMMA!

Shhhh! Honey, it's okay. We're not expecting anyone.

DING DONG! DING DONG!

WOOF WOOF WOOF! ARF ARF! WOOF WOOF WOOF!

At this point in time, you might be able to see the image of my eyeball checking you out through a peep hole.

MOMMA! I SEE TOO!

Shhhh Payton.

At this point in time, you might be able to see Payton's eyeball.

I no know dis buddy Momma.

I know honey, let's go back to the to the table and color.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

WOOF WOOF WOOF! ARF ARF! WOOF WOOF WOOF!

And now, I'm thinking that you are missing your brain. Are you here to ask us if we have seen it? Did it run off in this direction? Squeeze it's way under the door?

You can hear us. We know you can hear us. You know that we know that you can hear us. And yet we're not answering. Why do you suppose that knocking would produce a different result than the ringing? Are you thinking that our doorbell perhaps doesn't work, which is why we didn't answer? Because we couldn't hear you and are unaware that you're there?

Fair enough. I kind of thought that listening to our conversation while checking you out through our peeper cleared that one up, but I have been wrong about many things before.

Shhhh Momma. Some buddy out dere. Let's hide.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!

Typically, this is when our unwanted guest gets frustrated, lets out an exaggerated sigh and walks away shaking their head as though we've thoroughly disappointed their opinion of humanity. Do they NOT watch any television? Do they NOT know the horrible things that could happen should we open that door?

Let me be clear, people.

If you're looking for a boost, I don't know where our cables are. Need a specific tool? I have no idea where to start with that. Money? We don't have any. Wanting to use our phone? Well, I do have that, but YOU CAN'T USE IT.

Because this? Is our safe house. And we're going to keep it that way, even if it means being impolite.

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